


How the Dark Lord Stole Christmas

by RogueBelle



Category: DR. SEUSS - Works, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Dr. Seuss
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Hogwarts, Holidays, Humor, Parody, Poetry, Transfiguration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 06:59:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/607099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogueBelle/pseuds/RogueBelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you enjoyed this work, please check out <a href="http://cassmorriswrites.com">my blog</a>! I also write original fiction, and my debut novel will be out January 2018.</p></blockquote>





	How the Dark Lord Stole Christmas

Every kid  
Down at Hogwarts  
Liked Christmas a lot. 

But the Dark Lord  
Who lived just north of Hogwarts  
Did NOT! 

The Dark Lord hated Christmas!  
The whole Christmas season!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.  
It could be that his soul was too black (like the night).  
It could be, perhaps, that his robes were too tight.  
But I think the most likely reason of all  
May have been that his wand was two sizes too small. 

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
And whatever its prudence  
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the students.  
He stared out from his lair, with his slitted red eyes,  
As the warm glow from Hogwarts lighted the skies.  
For he knew every kid in the castle out there  
Was ready for Christmas -- It didn't seem fair! 

"They'll be hanging their stockings!" he hissed to his snake.  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! They all get a break!"  
Then he sighed, his long fingers drumming:  
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"  
For tomorrow, he knew... 

All the students at Hogwarts,  
Would wake bright and early; to their presents they'd dart!  
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise!  
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! 

Then the students and profs would sit down to a feast,  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!  
And they'd FEAST FEAST FEAST FEAST!  
They stuff down the trifles, they'd eat lots of pasties!  
(Which was something the Dark Lord found terribly nasty).

And THEN  
They'd do something he thought was the worst!  
Every kid down in Hogwarts, from the sevenths to firsts,  
They'd gather their presents, go out of the school,  
They'd go out on the grounds, and the kids would start playing!

They'd play! And they'd play!  
And they'd PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY!  
And the more the Dark Lord thought of this bright holiday,  
The more that the thought, "I must have it my way!  
It's been too many years I've put up with them now!  
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!  
... But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
The Dark Lord  
Got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" the Dark Lord snickered, high-pitched,  
And together a red coat and hat did he fetch,  
And he sneered, and he preened, "What a truly Dark trick!  
With this coat and hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!

All I need is a reindeer..."  
The Dark Lord looked around,  
But even with magic, in England, none could be found.  
Did that stop the Dark Lord?  
No! The Dark Lord simply said,  
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"  
So he called up Pettigrew, who could not protest,  
And Transfigured him into, of all reindeer, the best.

Then  
He loaded some bags,  
Expanded by spells,  
And to Pettigrew hitched  
A sleigh decked with bells.

Then the Dark Lord jumped in,  
And Pettigrew's brand-new form  
Led them to Hogwarts, where the kids  
Lay asleep in their dorms.

All their windows were dark; not a prefect did glower.  
All the students were dreaming tucked away in their bowers,  
When he pulled up his sleigh outside Gryffindor Tower.  
"This is stop number one," the old Voldie-Claus hissed,  
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. 

Then the Dark Lord took a slide down the chimney -  
It might have been hard, if he wasn't so skinny -  
For if Santa could do it, then the Dark Lord could, too,  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue,  
Where the little Gryff stockings all hung in a row.  
"These stockings," he hissed, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
Fanged Frisbees! Fake wands! Dungbombs! Stink pellets!  
Fireworks! Cards! And broomstick-repair-kits!  
And he stuffed them in sacks. Then the Dark Lord, very nimbly,  
Banished all the goods, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the kitchens, and tickled the pear,  
And then, once inside, he took everything there!  
The house-elves were frightened; they didn't dare stop him,  
Lest they then find themselves in a small, elf-sized coffin.

And he took all the food to his sleigh with great glee,  
"And NOW!" said the Dark Lord, "I will take all their trees!"

And the Dark Lord grabbed a tree, and he started to drag,  
Then he heard a cough, the prim voice of a nag.  
He turned around fast, and he saw a Gryff prefect!  
(Too bad not a Slyth, who would probably defect).

The Dark Lord had been caught by this girl on her rounds  
And she stood between him and the sleigh hovering the grounds.  
She folded her arms, and she narrowed her eyes,  
And she asked, "You are out past curfew -- Why?"

But you know, that Dark Lord was so smart and so slick,  
He thought up a plan, and he thought it up quick!  
He pulled out his wand, and he cast the Imperius:  
"Now, listen, you tart, you didn't see this;  
You'll go back to your bed, and you'll go back to sleep,  
So that, in the morning, you can wake up and weep."

The Unforgiveable worked, much to the girl's doom,  
For she turned right around and went back to her room.  
And when she had gone, the Dark Lord sneered with glee,  
And he went to the chimney, and stuffed up the tree!

Then the last thing he took  
Was a note from the board;  
It wished happy Christmas to all of the kids,  
He replaced it with one that read "Look what I did!"

And the one speck of food  
That he left in Gryff House  
Was an old and half-rotted, slimy Ice Mouse.

Then he did the same thing,  
To the Puffs and the Ravens,  
And even to his old house, Slytherin,  
(For he heard that, of late, they'd let Mudbloods in).

It was a quarter past dawn,  
All the kids, still a-bed,  
All the kids, still a-snooze,  
When he packed up his sled,  
Packed it up with their presents! The crackers! The wrappings!  
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! In that high Scotland snow,  
To the tip-top to dump it, the Dark Lord did go!  
"So much for the students!" he was churlishly humming,  
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!  
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
Their mouths will hang open a moment or two!  
Then the kids down at Hogwarts will all cry 'BOO-HOO'!

"That's a noise," said the Dark Lord,  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And the Dark Lord waited to bask in their fear:  
And he did hear a noise rising over the snow.  
It started in low, then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!  
Why, this sounded quite merry!  
It couldn't be so!  
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Hogwarts  
Through those strange crimson eyes  
Then he shook!  
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every kid down in Hogwarts, from seventh-year down to first,  
Was laughing, as though under the Rictusempra curse!  
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
It CAME!  
Somehow or another, it came just the same!

And the Dark Lord, ignoring reindeer!Pettigrew's whining,  
Thought, "This just isn't right. How could this be happening?  
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!  
It came without packages, boxes, or bags!"  
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore,  
Then the Dark Lord considered something he hadn't before:  
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.  
Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more!"

And what happened then?  
Well, in Hogwarts they say,  
That the Dark Lord's thin wand  
Grew THREE sizes that day!  
And the minute he realised how to set things right  
He whipped on poor Pettigrew, with all of his might!  
And he arrived back at Hogwarts, in the crisp morning light,  
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!

The Dark Lord AK'd everyone in sight!

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this work, please check out [my blog](http://cassmorriswrites.com)! I also write original fiction, and my debut novel will be out January 2018.


End file.
